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Study Suggests that Women Really, Really Like Hockey Players

Just in from The Turnip:

The shaggy dog picture is significant

Study Director's shaggy dog is featured in company logo

The phenomenon of multiple births occurring in greater frequency during the months of February and March has been studied by many, not only in the medical community.  Theories have also been postulated by climatologists, theologists, sociologists, economists and astrologists.  Few theories could be substantiated scientifically.  This may be about to change, thanks to a study conducted by Dearing Underhall Practical Endocrinology.

A study based on the theories of a first year medical student has made a connection between this rash of multiple births and the NHL post-season. Using the latest in handheld external ultrasound devices, the study recorded what it calls the “spontaneous ovulation factor” among female hockey fans.

“I didn’t think it was possible for men to be so visually cued and women to be oblivious,” said the study Director, who wishes to remain anonymous while some legal matters are being resolved. “I always suspected that women just had better poker faces than men.”

The preliminary results were not conclusive due to the limited number of test subjects, but the study Director is confident that, with a group of willing volunteers, instead of women he happens to be sitting next to at games  in San Jose, California, the theory will be born out by numbers.

“The more powerful new tech is important.  My 8G Apple I-Scan was invaluable. Women will notice right away if you push something up against the abdomen,” explains the Director. “But since so many people lean forward in their seats, it is easy to get an image through the lower back without being noticed.”

According to the Director, preliminary results suggest that the act of observing males with desirable genetic traits can cause spontaneous ovulation among adult heterosexual females.

“This goes way beyond the sort of secretion responses people joke about. This isn’t just about recreational physical contact, this is serious business,” explains the Director.  “This is the biological equivalent of making a u-turn at 50 mph. It suggests that the female reproductive system is far more efficient and nimble than previously supposed.”

The study rated certain variables and events on an SOF scale of 1-5 eggs per minute.  A few of the preliminary results:

  • VAR SJ3 (collision)= SOF 3
  • VAR DET13 (contact with puck)= SOF 2.1
  • VAR PHI28 (impossible pass)=SOF 2.6
  • VAR SJ22 (presence on ice)=SOF 4.2
  • VAR BOS30 (clearing own crease)=SOF 1.8
  • VAR PHI49 (event could not be identified)=SOF 5 +/-?

The study examined the effect of video and audio input as well. “Aside from an unusually high SOF response to [Tampa Bay Lightning head coach] Guy Boucher interviews, the response to televised games was inconclusive,” explained the Director.

“I can’t account for all of the data I gathered,” he continued.  “For example, I can’t explain why VAR PHI49 is so high on the SOF scale. That one sticks out to me. That may have been a software glitch.  I don’t know. It bears further investigation.”

Some of the study subjects shared their thoughts about the study.  One of the plaintiffs in an invasion of privacy suit against Dearing Underhall explained that she would have preferred to be asked for consent: “why doesn’t he just ask if we think they’re hot?  He doesn’t have to irradiate me with his pervy spy cam.”

Another plaintiff simply stated that this was a clear cut case of offensive physical contact without permission. “He’s lucky I’m not filing battery charges.”

A third plaintiff had more practical concerns: “You can sell eggs for a lot of money. I don’t want some freak taking pictures of mine.  What if they’re ugly? You can’t sell ugly eggs.”

Sara M, a subject close to the Director claimed the project was the result of the Director’s own physiological issues: “I don’t think he was breast fed.  Boundaries are a problem for him.  He’ll never have a normal life so I encourage his intellectual endeavors as best I can.”

How to determine whether the subjects are heterosexual also threatens the legitimacy of the study.  “Some information is more difficult to obtain than other information.  There are physical risks involved.”  Asked for details about these risks, the Director would only say they are assumed by himself, not the subjects.

The Turnip’s science adviser asked about the dangers this syndrome would pose to population growth.  Women can only ovulate so many times in a lifetime, and at the rates proposed, the women studied would be barren by age 24, assuming they began attending hockey games around age 17.  The Director said only that it “bears further investigation.”

Funding for the study is pending the resolution of the related legal disputes.  In the mean time, the Director is making good use of the data gathered.  “At least I know to not pick up women at hockey games unless I want to end up the father of quadruplets.”

“There’s that,” volunteered Sara M.  “That won’t be a problem for him.”

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